Casey Kasem

"Boy this is fucking ponderous man...ponderous, fucking ponderous!"

~Casey Kasem on a Long Distance Dedication to some schmoe's dead dog

Hello, it's me.

I've thought about us for a long, long time

Maybe I think too much, but something's wrong

There's something here that doesn't last too long

Maybe I shouldn't think of you as mine.

Seeing you

Or seeing anything as much as I do you

I take for granted that you're always there

I take for granted that you just don't care

Sometimes I can't help seeing all the way through

It's important to me

That you know you are free

'Cause I never want to make you change for me

Think of me

You know I'd be with you if I could

To come around and see you once in a while

Or if you ever need a reason to smile

And spend the night if you think I should.

Hello, It's Me was Todd Rundgren's seminal work, and probably the one he will be best remembered for in the future.

It's also the one that is stuck in my head, for various reasons, none of which bear much discussion at this point. Yes, it has something to do with the Lawyer and his abrupt departure from my life. I'm on a fence post with him, wondering if I should be aggressive and make an attempt to draw him back as a friend, or if I should release the ties and allow him to float off unaided.

There are arguments for both sides that are compelling. On the pro, I really do like the guy. He makes me smile, and I genuinely have a good time with him. He's one of those guys that you just feel a powerful connection to that just can't be defined. I write it off as one of those 'omni omni' things that just don't need to be fully understood to be enjoyed, like the creation of the universe. Face it, mortals won't ever comprehend such a thing, but we sure enjoy the ride.

so sit back and enjoy!

For the con, the guy has issues. In the absence of discussion, I've decided that he has a lot of them. To begin with, there are some control things that seem to stem from a previous relationship he had. We never discussed it at any length, but the crux seems to be that he felt stifled in this camaraderie and was abused emotionally as a result. I have to guess that when someone comes in too close (and especially with the grand bravado that I used) the defense shield shoots up, and he bolts.

Knowing what I have been allowed to see about how his emotions work, I have no doubt that he has been spending idle moments painting a picture of me as some sort of psychopathic control freak, when just the opposite is the case. In reality, I'm more flexible than a Cirque de Soleil performer when it comes to most things. The only time I become assertive is when my boundaries have been transgressed, or when I have been wronged. Still yet, I take a very hip view of such things in an attempt to learn from the experience

The question then arises--do I need that sort of drama in my life? Do I want a 'project?' Is there a need for yet another dysfunctional person in my life to make a furtive attempt to sort out? I've finally reached a point in my life when I feel positive about how things are moving, and I'm enjoying it. It's not all roses, but at least, I think it's a step in the right direction, and a move toward a better, stronger Rob. Do I want a person in my life who is incapable of acknowledging that other people have feelings, and when those are mentioned, grabs his toys and leaves?

I know that we all come with baggage. I'm not so naive to think that we don't come with scars from previous interactions. However, like that great song from RENT says, "I'm looking for baggage that goes with mine." So there is the question--is it a mis-matched set, or do we both own Louis Vuitton? Time will tell, but only if I can get an answer out of him, and that's not coming anytime soon, because he's still huddled in the corner yelling MINE! I've made attempts to reach out, but they are answered with cool responses, as has been his usual.

So, Mr. Lawyer....are you worth having to put up with all this? I refuse to beat myself up and wonder if I was in the wrong, because I know I wasn't completely so. I attempted to open a dialogue, and was instead the subject of a slammed door. I tried to assist, but was misconstrued as being nosy. I was read the riot act over the phone. I even attempted to apologize, to be returned by an icy "apology accepted."

I think I have my answer....

Hallelujah

I tried my best, it wasn't much

I couldn't feel so I tried to touch

I've told the truth, I didn't come to fool you.

And even though it all went wrong,

I'll stand before the lord of song

With nothing on my lips but Hallelujah.

You learn a lot about the stuff you are made of when bad things happen. You learn (or perhaps I should say reaffirm) who loves you and supports you, and you also discover who needs to be left by the way.

A bloke named Leonard Cohen wrote a song a while back called Hallelujah. It's religious in it's context, but there is an underlying message of missed communication and errors in judgement. Now that I've come to the realization that the debacle that has raged in my mind about the Lawyer was a series of missteps, I feel soooo much better.

A positive thing has come of all this, and I hope to make good on it. My baby brother.

I am one of two in my family. My sibling is 9 years my junior, so we have lived very independent lives. In fact, it's almost like we were both only children. As a result of several incidents, we really haven't been close in the usual way that brothers are.

In an effort to switch things around, and become a better friend, I've been trying to make amends with those close to me, and I have not missed him in my efforts. It hasn't been an easy journey, and one that has been littered with various pratfalls along the way. The fact still remains that I do love my brother, and am very proud of his accomplishments. He has the most perfect wife, two darling children, and just a sweet little existance of which I am envious.

I'll talk more of him at a later date, but I wanted to put up a little post of thanks to those who have read my tribulations and have passed on words of encouragement. Know I am far better, and my mood will improve as time passes. In fact right now, I'm pretty happy and secure in my feelings, so thanks, guys and girls.

Of course, I couldn't let the day pass without mentioning two things. Today is the birthday of the USA. My fitting phrase is, of course Dulce et decorum est pro patria mori, or it is sweet and noble to die for your country. Never loose sight of that, given the current world events. While I do not *repeat* DO NOT support the current brouhaha in Iraq, I do support those placed in harm's way by an arrogant Commander in Chief.

I leave you with the words of Wilfred Owen:

If in some smothering dreams you too could pace

Behind the wagon that we flung him in,

And watch the white eyes writhing in his face,

His hanging face, like a devil's sick of sin;

If you could hear, at every jolt, the blood

Come gargling from the froth-corrupted lungs,

Obscene as cancer, bitter as the cud

Of vile, incurable sores on innocent tongues,

My friend, you would not tell with such high zest

To children ardent for some desperate glory,

The old Lie;

Dulce et Decorum est

Pro patria mori.

The synchronicity of the defiance of gravity

Synchronicity is generally undefinable as a phenomenon, as is the defiance of gravity. Carl Jung discusses the whole concept of two unrelated events in one of those books I read all those years ago. Some feel that they are capable of defying gravity, and eventually they fall to the ground, victim of their own arrogance, and that's how I'm feeling right now.

I've had another epiphany, a rather tearful one at that. We come to points in our life when we realize that we should have trusted our first instinct and run. That's where I am now.

At the outset, the lawyer told me that he got bored with people, and that's what happened with me. I'll probably never know the how or why behind it, but that's my theory, and I'm sticking to it. How I came to that conclusion really isn't important, but the gist of the story involves an argument, and some very helpful chats with some friends and acquaintances.

Am I sad that he's out of my life? Yes. For a brief, shining moment, I felt like he was the one that I was to grow gracefully old with. He was to be the great partner, and the great love of my life, but in retrospect, it was all illusion. I now have reason to doubt the veracity of some of his comments, and I've gained a bit of insight as to how he functions as a person.

Do I believe that he genuinely cares for me? That's hard to say right now. He was downright unkind to me today, when there wasn't cause to be that way in my opinion. For that, I'm a tad bitter. The reason was one of paranoia, and it was unfounded, as I explained to him. Whether he heard that or not remains to be seen. People that know me well realize that I rarely hold grudges, and I certainly am not going to retain this ill feeling toward him for such a minor infraction as this.

Ultimately, it boils down to this: lesson learned. Notes taken.

That said, on to the next chapter in my life, and the next stop on the "Rob World Tour." I'll probably say more about my thoughts later because of the depth of my feelings for that brat. Until then, I'll cut the melodrama and work on making myself a better person, and being a better friend to those who genuinely care for me. I feel as though I've failed some people in that respect, and that also makes me a bit sad.

So back to defying gravity. We always want the stuff that is bad for us. Cigarettes and chocolate milk. While the idea is pretty, the reality is that gravity ALWAYS wins. We are mortal; we live, love, pay taxes and die. Yes, the view is pretty from the air--I ought to know. Eventually, we are brought back down to earth, and we are reminded that as mortals, we cannot defy gravity for long. Our health will suffer and the ride will come to an end.

By the same token, there are momentary lapses when we soar high. We feel free and unencumbered. We love not only our self but those around us. It's these momentary bits of happiness that keep life bearable and allow us to get through the times when life aint so grand. I think the trick is to somehow bridge the mountain high, valley low.

Once again, I quote my secret hero:

Only if you have been in the deepest valley can you ever know how magnificent it is to be on the highest mountain.

~RN

The Boy with the Bugle

Time for an epiphany, complements of Auntie Mame.

I'm sitting around this morning, watching the sun come up, and listening to show tunes on the tv, when it suddenly hits me. That tune from Auntie Mame.

Angela Landsbury doesn't have a great deal of use to me as a whole, but I'll give it to her, she is one of the grande dames of the American stage, so I'll give her that. Just as Julie Andrews will always be fondly remembered for bringing Maria von Trapp to us on the screen (then later showing her tits in Victor Victoria--I'll never forgive her for that) Ms. L brought the house down with her stirring rendition of a song that aptly describes what I'm thinking today.

The 'Boy with the Bugle' is of course, the lawyer, and I am indeed wondering why I ever bought him those damn long pants.

...but more importantly, I never found the man before I lost him.

I fear in my bravado, I did overstate my case when I should have deferred and just shut the fuck up about what I was thinking. I've done it before, and I really should learn from my errors.

et hoc transibit....

Show Tunes

Hello again,

It seems the only time I do anything with this is when I'm troubled...and this is no exception. So, in an effort towards vicarious living, on with the writing!

For those of you who don't know, FA and I became history a while back. No need to hash up the where/why about it--it just ran it's natural course. He's moved from the role of lover to best friend, which is really fine by me. A boy can never have too many of them, right?

So, moving on, I came to Atlanta (Yes, with FA in tow--it's surreal living with one's ex--there's a lot of deja vu attached to it) Long story short, I thought I had found a fellow to settle with but that didn't turn out to be the case, so I'm back to square one in the romance department, which is unfortunate, because I really kind of liked the guy.

However, by the same token, I'm also willing to cut my losses and move onward and upward. I like to tell myself that I'm all cute and shit (in my own quirky way) and I even have the approval of a third party!

Here's the story:

I was working a laaate flight from to Akron. It was a full flight, but I was my usual chipper (smirk) self. This really cute (and I'm not just saying that) mother/daughter team came on, and sat in the last row of biz. The Mother at one point pulled me aside and said "My daughter thinks you are cute--she never says that about anyone." The daughter, a bit embarrassed piped in her agreement. Best thing of all, is this girl was HOT!

So there it is...girls like me! Now all I need to do is get a guy to do the same, and I'll be set ;-)

So anywhoooo here's the story of the Lawyer. As it is well known, I wear my heart placed prominently on my sleeve, which as we all know is a precarious place to put such a delicate thing. The Lawyer had a vacation abroad, which took him totally out of sight for 10 days, and as absence is wont to do, my heart grew fonder. In that way I have, I mentioned that in an email, and pretty much turned my soul inside-out for public consumption.

Then came the "let's be friends" chat. Needless to say, it took the helium out of my balloon. I thought I was sort of on solid ground with this one, because of certain things he had said that made my insides all woozy, and I have no reason to doubt his veracity. However, in retrospect, these comments were generally fueled by alcohol, which always gets the tongue in trouble.

So, I'm just a little tender right now, but I have things to occupy my mind and body in the interim, so all will be well. I even did something unwise last night--I went out with a friend and got smashing drunk. It was a sort of sad affair, though, because I was feeling like I left a little something somewhere, and I didn't feel like a whole. It always sucks *deep sigh*

...Kiss the day goodbye, and point me toward tomorrow....I did what I had to do...and I won't regret what I did for love....

Have a sexy season!

Okay.

Time to regroup and reform. In response to my last post, a friend said "I read about FA's infidelity in your blog. Karma is a bitch, isn't it?" I have to admit, it took me abak for a couple of minutes, but then I started thinking. Yes, Karma is a bitch. I'll have to do better in the future. Maybe I'll go pet a puppy or something.

Regarding some alleged infidelity: Perhaps that was a bit premature to mention. After all, I don't have concrete evidence that it happened. All I have to work with is the observations of a friend with some insight into his behaviour. After a bit of detective-like footwork, I was able to sort things out, and come up with a dialogue to have with him.

That happened, and I think I got the answers I was looking for. Any of my ex's will tell you that I hate doing maintenance on my relationships. I'm far more content to let them sail along. However, in reality, that just isn't an option. All relationships, no matter how wonderful and functional they might be do need an occasional nudge to make sure everyone is on the same page. I needed assurance that I was in a monogamous relationship, and not in some dreadful "open" nightmare. In my experience, open relationships foreshadow the end of relationships. Sometimes, they work out well, if the parties involved have a complete understanding of the situation, and equally involve themselves in it, which is the case with the Wife and his new beau.

The end of the story involves me saying "Yeah, I do love the guy, and at this point in the discussion, the plan is to have him hang around for the forseable future" Wheather that is forever remains to be seen, because I do still have a nagging doubt in the back of my mind wheather he is the person that Elton John sings about in his song, "The One." Time will answer that question, but I remain optimistic.

What is this nagging doubt? It can't be defined, but in my soul, I can feel it digging in it's heels. I know what I want from this relationship, and I believe it to be the same thing that FA wants as well, but I'm just not convinced. Don't get me wrong, a lifetime with FA in it wouldn't be a bad thing. I think we compliment each other very well, and we certainly are compatable as a couple. As previously stated, there is a great deal of optimism in the equation.

I'm sitting here looking at the most perfect Christmas tree in the known universe. It really is a simplistic thing, in a single gold colour scheme. I'm a tad melancholy--as I normally am this time of year for various reasons. It's not the grand tradition that RR re-creates each year in his salon, but it suits me nicely. It's also the first tree I've had since I left him, which makes me finally feel like some unknown wound there has healed. Combine that with the fact that it was put together when I was at the lowest of my feelings about FA, and it has a special added meaning in a way.

So, that's my thought for the moment. I'm well, and happy. I'll close with a prayer so oft repeated in my youth, Pax vobiscum.

Christmas is run by a big eastern syndicate

When he said "April is the cruellest month" he obviously didn't know what he was talking about. So, with all apologies to T. S. Elliot, we'll change the context a tad:

December is the cruellest month.

I'm depressed at present because of an overabundance of knowledge. It seems that just when you have your feet firmly pressed on the ground, the rug is pulled from underneath and you find yourself flat on your ass. I thought I had found a man I could trust, a man that completed me, but now I'm not so sure. I doubt the fibre of his being, and I feel betrayed. Why? Infidelity.

In other words, look for a bevvy of posts in the near future, because after crying myself to sleep, I can honestly say that my life kind of sucks right now. I'll be better soon, though, fret not.

Happy Christmas to those who read these words.