It's been a rather topsy-turvy couple of weeks in the house of Bob. I've been keeping myself busy with work issues, and also with relationship issues as well. As previously mentioned, I tend to overindulge in things that pique my interest, and this point in my life has been no different.
Perhaps it's a clue into an addictive personality, which I will freely admit to possessing, or perhaps it's just life as it is led at present.
I've been virtually absent in the gay.com chatrooms recently, and my absence has been noted by any number of boys I've met outside of the 'hallowed halls of cyberspace.' For a lack of a better descriptive, I'll call it a sabbatical. In other words, a break in the routine that is usual to re-assess one's life to reorient and refresh. I think it's important to make a break and determine whether change is necessary.
For those who aren't accustomed to my 'online persona,' I formerly spent a great deal of time idly perusing the chatrooms. For the purpose of definition, a 'great deal of time' is more than 2 hours a day. I've always maintained that the internet sucks the personality out of a person, and that the entire online community is introspective by it's sheer nature. I'm quite reserved, and downright conservative in person, (read: shy) but in the online world, I'm quite the opposite. This creates an interesting facade that is often shattered when you actually meet someone outside of a computer monitor.
That isn't an absolute, though. Some people are very much the same. For instance, I had dinner recently with one of those online people. I had known him via the chatrooms for quite a while, and through the opinions of others, had built up an opinion which was honestly less than savoury. Don't get me wrong, I've always thought of him as a very nice bloke. He has always been civil to me online, but in the real world, he would barely acknowlege my presence. This led me to label him in the 'twink-y'category, that odd breed of youngman who doesn't think that life exists outside of either a bar or a gym. Of course, corresponding with a guy over 30...oh dear, do people really live that long?
Last night, it was all discarded. In a more intimate setting, I was really impressed by this youngman. Again, he was quite courteous, and picked my name from context. He later introduced himself, and said when I divulged my online name, said, "Oh yes, we've talked a lot." So, my perception that he was effete was unfounded. The fact was that we hadn't been properly introduced. It's always nice to have one's faith in human nature reaffirmed.
Anyway, with my personal life, I've been applying all this time that I would normally spend in front of the computer 'blah, blah, blah-ing' has been applied to more important things, such as cleaning (my hovel really needed it) and organizing the various items that define my existence. (I don't know what that means, either.) I've been catching up on my reading lately, which is such a pleasant pastime, and one that I've sadly neglected.
What of FA? I'm not actually going to talk a great deal about him, because I'm still having some questions about him. The point of the matter is I'm not one who falls in love. I'm quite romantic by my nature, and I'm a strong believer in the idea, but the idea of love somehow escapes me. I've been thinking about past relationships, and remembering how I felt about each man (for the record, I've never had a romantic attachment to a woman--I'm such the fag.)
With my first boyfriend, I loved him deeply as a friend, but the relationship should have remained platonic--it would have been far stronger. I've noticed that my relationships are like lift bridges. Once you cross over the "boyfriend/romantic love" point, the bridge opens, and it's virtually impossible to pass back. Then again, with "the Hot one," (and yes, he was H O T!) our relationship was one built of teenage angst, with a strong hormonally driven lusty component thrown in for size.
Next, was my odd college fling, which served two very nice purposes. The first was that he was one of a pair of identical twins, so great fun was had messing with people's minds. The other was the fact that I really liked N, but I never really loved him. He never made me giddy when we spoke, and I guess in a lot of ways, he was like a shower cap in a hotel room--a nice amenity found almost universally, so he's always there and dependable, serving a unique purpose.
Next we come to RR, the longest of my relationships, spanning 13 years. There was a slight disadvantage at the outset, he being several months older than my mother. Truthfully, though it never really entered into the equation because we were so closely matched as a couple. That's the secret of our longevity, I think, because we lived very independent lives otherwise. Save one month-long trip, our vacations were always separate, and our careers were on very different tracks. Did I love RR? Yeah, I did, and the fact that we split up under fairly unpleasant circumstances still haunts me. His parting words at the airport were "You're making a huge mistake." I'll take that to my grave, because I really think I broke his heart with my departure. I have no doubt that RR truly loved me, and had found his 'soulmate' in me. Even five years later, I still harbour a twinge of guilt when I think of the last awkward month we spent together.
I then fell into a rebound relationship with J that lasted far longer than I would have imagined. It was almost exactly the opposite of what RR and I had together, with me being senior this time. Again, we had independent lives, and I have to say at moments, I really loved him, but it wasn't constant. I had some lapses where I really had to sit down and say "What the fuck am I doing?" Here, the age difference became apparent, and bothersome at times. Other times, it was transparent, which made for some very pleasant times that we spent together, but at other moments, it was bothersome, which led in very veiled circumstances to the creation of this, my "Realm 2." If you've read "Realm 1" with any gusto, you'll understand why I write these things.
Enter FA. He strolled into my life under a fairly unsalubrious circumstance, and I have to admit that I can't say I'm not happy he's come into my life. His schedule being a flight attendant is costing me a small fortune in cellphone bills, which I pay gladly. His quality is unique, and he's making me happy beyond description. My outlook on things has changed, and I am for the first time in a long time, really happy.
but...
He's unleashing a pile of emotions and behaviours that is really surprising to me, and it's frankly a little scary. My dear confidante has told me to be careful, because apparently FA and I were quite a topic of conversation at dinner recently. The truth is I'm more emotionally available to FA than I have ever been previously (ask RR, who at one point in frustration uttered those famous words, "I'd love to sit and listen to you breathe, but I have work to do"). I'm obviously not one who wears his heart on his sleeve, but I really feel like it's there tucked into a French cuff. That's got me a tad....scared? Excited? Vulnerable? All of the above? So, I'm stuck with an odd conundrum, trying to decide if I should just shut up and let my heart lead the way, or if a more appropriate course of action would be to remain conservative and restrained, keeping this man as a friend above all.
I'm not going to go into intimate details about experiences that FA and I have shared, but one amazing thing that really made me weak in the knees:
He bought me flowers. Nobody has ever done that for me before.
