Quite a lapse in time has occurred with these three postings. They were all unceremoniously uploaded at the same time, but they actually span nearly a full month. I've had a glorious weekend, and am at present basking in "afterglow" for the lack of a better term.
I took a hot minute and re-read my previous words about FA. In a brave moment of 'compare and contrast,' I truly examined what it was that I'm feeling about him, and I've come to the conclusion that I'm twirling into an abyss of pink taffeta Harlequin-style romance. It's not a bad thing, trust me--it makes me weak in the knees and giddy in a way that is quite uncharacteristic for the Bob.
I've been retaining an en guard stance with my dear FA for several reasons, mostly stemming from a self-protective point of view. He is a flight attendant, and as such, he travels a great deal as part of his usual routine. Because of this, there is a lot of time that he spends away from me, and during which time, I play the 'pensive wife sitting at home" doing two things First, I wonder what it is that he's doing out there in exciting cities like Hartford where a boy can't help but get into trouble. (that's a direct slam on the city of Hartford, btw) Foremost, however is the fact that I sit back here in IND and count minutes for his return.
Barbara Cortland, eat your heart out.
I had a moment that really made me start thinking about stuff, though. We were out at our local haunt. I had had a bit too much to drink and was in the process of sobering up (being drunk in public is something that I really hardly do) and we were in the middle of the dance floor with another drunk individual, screaming at each other, as one is want to do in the middle of a dance floor. I heard some really scary shit.
Scary not in a 'wake up in the middle of the night in a frost of sweat,' but scary in the way that at that seminal moment, you realize that everything that you've been fretting about and puzzling over has really been unfounded and life is actually really, really good. Again, I've learned about discussing one's love online (a lesson from Hot Toddy) so I'll spare the details and a certain intimate exchange, but this drunken woman's tirade just made it all seem so right. At that moment, I wanted to just melt into every fibre of him, and for probably the first time in my life, I feel as though I may have found someone worth spending a lifetime with.
That's what I've been thinking about.
Love is a funny thing. It was totally unexpected, and FA certainly walked into my life at a moment when I wasn't expecting to be paired with another. Then again, that's how I've always imagined it would be. That's the reason that I didn't aggressively date anyone, and the reason I didn't go off and find someone to be with. It's not for a lack of suitors--there are certainly boys out there who would like to swallow my unborn children, but I have always maintained that I want more from life than that. I need a partner, and one that shares my life within the fiftieth percentile. It's an aspect that I've missed in the past, and it's always been a point of contention with my past relationships.
With FA, I see that, or at least I have a strong belief in the possibility that it can happen with him.
Another thing that is making my believe in the possibility is the fact that I'm seeing pairing happening around me. FA's roommate (aka the sister in law) has met a very nice boy, and they are getting along swimmingly. They make such the cute couple, and their interaction is nothing short of inspiring. They are following in FA and my footsteps, and are almost constantly together when their time allows It's beautiful to see them together and interacting with each other--much like an old married couple, and yet still in the throes of romantic love. It just makes you feel all wired inside, to quote Harry Nilsson.
So anyway, I've probably said more than I ought to, but what can I say? I love me some Chocolate Negro! (Uhh--Spanish for 'dark chocolate,' PC Police.)
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